Things I wish I had known ahead of time:

1. Airlines no longer provide meals with their flights. I think I heard about it when other airlines began adopting the Southwest food model, but I clearly didn’t pay much attention. There’s now an a la carte selection of overpriced, tiny-portion snacks (or as they term them, “tapas,” to make you feel better about spending your money), of which there are very few vegetarian options. If I had known, I would have packed my own meals.

2. In Hawaii, it’s illegal to provide plastic bags at stores. If, as you are shopping, you forget to bring your own, you can buy a bag for 50 cents. I actually think this is really cool, and I didn’t mind forking over the money…but if I had known, I would have packed a couple of canvas bags.

3. If you want to take a tour, book at least a day in advance. It’s better if you book a week in advance. We were kind of surprised (and I was disappointed) by the number of things we couldn’t do on a whim because by the time I called the reservation desk, the tour was completely booked. In hindsight, that shouldn’t have been surprising at all, seeing how much of Maui revolves around the tourist industry, but it was frustrating nevertheless.

Rants:

1. Signs and grammar

Everywhere we drove around the island, we were bound to come across a sign cautioning us to “drive slow,” which slowly drove me up a wall. Doesn’t anyone in Hawaii care that “slowly” is the correct form of the word?Anyone? Bueller?

2. Hana and its food service industry

Okay, look: I know Hana is a remote part of the island, hidden away in miles of jungle and cliffs. I saw the signs on those one-lane bridges, proclaiming, “maximum 12 tons,” then a few miles down, “maximum 8 tons,” and finally, “maximum 5 tons.” We wondered: what would happen to the 8-ton truck that came barreling around the corner only to stop, unable to travel further?

So yeah, I get it: it is hard to get supplies into and out of Hana via road, and with its tiny airport and rough waters, it’s probably really expensive to get stuff delivered by air or sea.

And I knew from reading my guides that there wasn’t much in the way of dining establishments in Hana. One online guide even said, “Just about the only standalone restaurant in Hana is the Hana Ranch House, which is renowned for marginal food and indifferent service. When there are no competitors, what else can you expect?”

So I had low expectations. And I was pleasantly surprised at the food and friendly service at Hana Ranch Restaurant.

There actually are other places to eat, but not many. If you don’t count the numerous fruit stands peppered along the highway every mile or so, there are several sandwich shacks in town, including:

• Uncle Bill’s, which serves only breakfast. From what we could see from the road, Uncle Bill has set up some cheap patio furniture up under a plastic awning, and he serves his guest through a window from his garage. Not the most sanitary-looking setup, but most of the reviews I read were favorable. Still, we didn’t eat breakfast out while we were there on account of the plethora of fruit I still had.
• Tutu’s Sandwich Shack, which serves beach fare, like burgers, hot dogs, and “loco moco,” a local favorite. However, there wasn’t much in the way of vegetarian options, and we wanted a sit-down lunch, so we skipped it.
• Pranee’s, which, according to one of the kids who works on the orchid farm, has “the best effing Thai food on the planet.” Trouble is, Ray doesn’t much like Thai food.
• Cafe Romantica – we passed this vegetarian sandwich stand on our way to Ohe’o Gulch, but we had already eaten.

The only comparable competitor to Hana Ranch Restaurant is Paniolo Lounge, at the Travaasa Hotel and Spa. The grounds, website, and prices all boasted the resort’s “luxury” status, but the food and service were just shy of mediocre. The waitstaff all seemed apathetic and poorly trained (I ordered a tuna niçoise salad, and the waitress never asked me how I would like my tuna cooked), and the food that came out of the kitchen was incredibly disappointing: not only was my tuna well done instead of rare, it was smothered in dressing and olives; Ray’s Margherita pizza was more like a cheese pizza with flecks of basil. This fare was something I might have expected from a tiny establishment not set up to serve this kind of food, but at those prices? I am so. Incredibly. Disappointed.

Give me a Fresh Catch Sandwich at Hana Ranch Restaurant any day; it might still be a little pricey, but at least they know how to prepare it.

I guess the long and short of this rather long rant is that Hana is a tourist destination. Perhaps it’s a lack of ambition, passion, or steady supplies that has prevented a large restaurant industry from growing in that town, but I believe someone who has all three of those things might just make a killing there.

“I think we have a monkey on our roof,” said Ray.

“There are no monkeys in Hawaii, silly.”

“A velociraptor, then.”

Just then, we heard a strange bird call: something neither of us had quite heard until then.

“Yep,” said Ray. “Definitely a velociraptor.”

Despite his concerns for my safety, I ventured forth on the second day of our stay to explore the grounds.

Our cottage is on a working orchid farm, and although I did not take the official tour, I did find a labyrinth and some sacred looking stones, as well as lots of spiderwebs with large, forbidding spiders.

Ray’s voice echoed in my mind. “If there is one thing that Uncharted has taught us, it’s, ‘Don’t piss off the spiders.’”

I kept on the pathway and made my way back to the cottage.

We decided to go to Wai’anapanapa State Park, where there are supposedly numerous caves and lava tubes. We walked along the black sand beach and followed a path around the cliffs to several more black rock beaches. We assumed the caves and lava tubes were just ahead, but the path just led us further and further down the beach, until we were in the middle of a lava field.

The desolate landscape made us feel we had been dropped into some alternate timeline. Please, I prayed, let us not get dumped into that godawful show, Terra Nova. Anything but that.

We must have hiked for at least a mile before we could go no farther, but I, in my sundress and sandals, was not exactly dressed for a hike. My purse, weighted down with cameras and various other electronics we did not want in the car, was beginning to make me lopsided.

When we returned to our starting point, we saw a sign saying “caves” and pointing uphill.

I sighed and looked at Ray.

“There’s water in the car,” he pointed out.

I nodded, and we headed back to the parking lot, then back to our cottage for a nap.

Hana is in a subtropical climate; the air is much more humid here than anywhere else on the island, and the vegetation is more lush. At dusk, mosquitoes reign supreme. Every night it rains, and the chorus of myriad birds and other animals assail our ears in the morning. Our new home for the next few days was truly in the rainforest.

Yesterday morning we decided to drive past Hana to Ohe’o Gulch, or the Seven Sacred Pools (named as such in the 1940s to attract visitors, even though they are not considered sacred, nor are there seven of them).

Nine miles of twisty turns and one-lane bridges later, we arrived.

Ohe’o Gulch is a series of waterfalls and pools that lead to the ocean. The view is spectacular, and the water is quite comfortable for swimming. Between the fresh water and the diving rocks (despite the multiple signs forbidding diving), I would have to say it qualifies as a swimming hole, although I never grew up around swimming holes myself.

The first waterfall is fairly small, but I was still pleased to be able to swim up to the falls and dunk my head under for a little shower.

The pool just above, which empties into the one everyone was using, was more difficult to reach, the path made up of precarious rocks and narrow ledges. Only the daredevils ventured that high, and even fewer of those kids swam in the pool above. It was probably colder and more slippery…plus there was the added risk of getting swept over the falls. Most of the kids who climbed that path jumped back into the first pool with a loud scream and splash.

We stayed there for a while, watching the kids climb up and jump down. The breeze from the ocean was warm and salty, and the sun shone merrily on the scene.

We were pretty far east on the island, and I wanted to try to see the Big Island from where we were. After all, we could see Maui when we stayed on the Big Island; why wouldn’t we be able to see the Big Island from Maui?

So after I had sufficiently dried off, we wandered the cliffs, searching the horizon for some land mass.

And there it was! It was hard to see through the veil of vog that usually surrounds the Big Island, but the telltale snowy peaks of Mauna Kea peeked up above the clouds, and the observatories winked in the sun.

After a while, the shadows told us that the sun was getting lower in the sky, and we made our way back to town before the drive became too difficult.

And as night fell, the rainforest took over.

• Start early and pack a lunch
• Take your time to enjoy the scenery
• If you see a long line of cars behind you, pull over.

Some people actually suggest taking two days for the trip, spending the night in Hana to make the whole experience last. And that’s what we decided to do.

We said goodbye to our huge house in Makawao and set off a little later than most, having stopped off for brunch (“second breakfast,” Ray called it) in Haiku (Colleen’s has really yummy food). By the time we hit Hana Highway, it was almost 1:00.

The first bit wasn’t bad at all; hardly any twisty turns, and no one-lane bridges. We were beginning to think that it was going to be smooth sailing.

That is, until Hwy 36 turned into Hwy 360.

I’m not precisely sure how the state of Hawaii came up with its numbering system, but it doesn’t seem to make much sense at all. All the state highways in Maui start with 3, which makes things MORE confusing, not less. Not only that, but a lot of these roads go around in circles (because they are following the island coast). But instead of switching to another number when moving from north to east, the number stays the same, but the direction changes. You can be happily driving along 30 South, when all of a sudden, you discover you are on 30 West. Same road, same mile markers, different direction.

The mile markers seem to change when the highway number changes. For example, the first part of Hana Highway is 36 East. When it switches to 360 East, the miles start back at zero. This can get confusing if you are following ANY Road to Hana guide, since they all point out stops by the mile marker.

Nevertheless, it is difficult to get lost; there really is only ONE road. Once it turned into 360, though, the twisty-turns began in earnest.

There are lots of points on the road where it is not wide enough for two cars. In this case, one side has to yield to the other, although often both directions have yield signs, just for good measure. Because we got a later start, I think we actually missed most of the crowds, and most cars we encountered along the way pulled over right away (we did the same for others).

Our first stop was the Garden of Eden. Even though the guide I was reading said it costs $10 to get in, the actual admission is $15. Curse you and your false information, Maui Driving Guide! We ponied up the money and drove onto the grounds.

The first thing we encountered was the duck pond.

You can park your car and feed the birds here, which we weren’t much interested in doing, but the birds had other ideas. One duck walked over in front of the car — while we were moving! — and sat down.

This is what I imagined them saying to each other:

Redbeak: It’s about lunchtime, don’t you think? There hasn’t been a car by here in at least an hour.

Peahen: Totally! Hey look, here comes a car. Get in formation, guys.

Peacock: I am NOT debasing myself by standing in front of the car. Look at what happened to my tail the last time!

Redbeak: Don’t be such a wuss. Look, I’m going to sit right here. I guarantee they won’t move.

Me (getting out of the car): Hi, duck! Shoo! Get out of the way!

Redbeak: Not gonna happen, lady.

Peahen: Look how pretty we are! Don’t you want to feed us?

Whitetail: See? You put your money in here. Here, lady. See?

Ray: Can I at least move the car to the side of the road?

Redbeak: You realize I’m only going to move if you put money in the food thing, right?

Me (sighing): Okay, okay. Come here, birds! I have a quarter. Or two.

Peahen: Took her long enough.

After we had satisfied the birds, we made our way through rest of the gardens on foot. The grounds are stunning, with a bamboo forest, banana orchard, and gorgeous views of waterfalls and the valley below. The map they gave us (an artist’s rendering, not to scale) was completely useless, but we were happy enough exploring on our own.

We spent so much time there that we only stopped at a few of the other stops we had planned. However, we will be here in Hana for a few days, so we have plenty of time to explore.

Where we stayed: a vacation rental in Makawao (we are going to stay at another rental in Hana, so I’ll give you another report when we get there).

Pros:

• Far away from people
• Quiet
• It is HUGE
• There is a frickin’ jacuzzi on the back deck and a fireplace in the master bedroom
• The landlady was very nice and communicative.

Cons:

• Far away from people
• It is really far up the side of the mountain, with a lot of twists and turns to get here. Not so good if you are tired or prone to motion sickness.
• I think there might be a mold problem in this house. My sinuses go nuts whenever we step inside the house, and I can’t stop coughing.

Tours:

So far we have only taken one tour: Trilogy’s whale-watching tour. That was a really great experience (not for Ray, though), and I would definitely recommend them to anyone else.

I wanted to go on a zipline tour, but there were too many obstacles in our path. First, they were all booked up on the day that we wanted to go. Then, when we finally did find an opening, it turned out to be more expensive than we thought. But the most important impediment to our adventure was the requirement for closed-toed shoes, like sneakers. Ray only had flip-flops, and I didn’t want to spent the $190-per-person (!) fee if they were just going to turn Ray away at the gate.

If I ever come back here, I would love to take a cruise out to Molokini, a little half-crater island that apparently is a great snorkeling spot. They also call it “Turtle Town,” so I’m bound to see turtles there!

I would also love to explore the lava tubes on the southern part of the island by boat or kayak. But I have a feeling Ray wouldn’t be so keen on such an experience, so I will just have to plan a trip with lots of friends!

Places to Eat:

We have now eaten at lots of different kinds of places, from heavily-advertised restaurants to little holes in the wall that we just discovered in our wanderings. My favorites were
Kula Lodge and Market Fresh Bistro. Kula Lodge not only has a great view on the way to Haleakala, but they had some gorgeous gardens to wander while waiting for your table to be ready. It is a little pricey, but totally worth it.

Market Fresh Bistro is a smaller restaurant tucked away in a corner of Makawao. We almost missed it because it lies behind the Makawao Steak House and a big glass blower gallery, but I’m so glad we wandered into the little nook, because the food was fabulous! Apparently the chef is a bit of a rising star; I overheard someone congratulate him on winning some award or other, and I am not the least but surprised.

Both places used a lot of fresh, local produce and meats, and the menus were creative, healthy, and extremely delicious. I would say you should not leave the island without visiting both of these places. You will not be disappointed.

So that’s my midway summary. We go on the Road to Hana today, so I’ll have much more to tell tomorrow, I’m sure.

This is what vacation is supposed to be about: sleeping in late, moving from one comfy spot to another, reading books that we have put off reading for ages.

We ventured into the town of Makawao for lunch, and then headed over to West Maui to do some touristy shopping (hey, where else are you going to find that many humuhumunukunukuapuaa t-shirts in one place?), then decided to have dinner at the Maui Brewing Company.

Turns out that the Maui Brewing Company has two locations but only one restaurant. The first location that Google Maps found seemed like a short walk away from us, but when we got there, we realized that it was only the brewery itself. We could have taken a tour, but the last tour had already come and gone, so we were left to try to find the actual restaurant.

I plugged in the address into my GPS, but the dang machine started taking us toward that scary part of the road where we had our adventure on our first night here. We turned around while we still could and checked Google Maps again, which showed us that we had driven right past it.

Success! We had a nice dinner, drove back to our house, and ended the night with a dip in the jacuzzi (yes, our rental house has a jacuzzi). Not much to report, but all vacation-worthy activities.

On recommendation from Fodor’s Maui, we decided to take a whale-watching tour with Trilogy Excursions, which uses a smaller boat than the Pacific Whale Foundation (holding only 35 people, versus PWF’s 100 or so), but who also give a portion of their profits to help sustain the Hawaiian Islands Humpback Whale National Marine Sanctuary as well as the Blue Aina reef cleanup program.

We boarded the catamaran at Lahaina Harbor, after a light lunch a few blocks away in the touristy part of town. The crew was friendly and informative, but they warned us that they had no set destination; we were just going to sail around until someone saw a whale. “Humpbacks are the biggest things in the ocean around here,” the naturalist told us. “So if you see something that looks like a whale, it probably is.”

The first part of our tour was fairl uneventful, other than getting my pants soaked from a hug wave that crashed onto the front of the boat right where I was sitting. I began to despair that we would see any whales at all.

Then someone shouted, “Thar she blows, five o’clock!”

Sure enough, there were a couple of whales, far away, engaging in what our naturalist called “aggressive male behavior.” Apparently the males, when in competion for the females, tend to do lots of tail slaps. Which is good for us!

We couldn’t get too close, though, since both whales took off really quickly as soon as we headed in their direction.

Now we all knew what to look for, though, and everyone had their eyes trained on the horizon, scanning for the telltale spout.

We saw about 10 whales in all, but none of them came really close to us, and by law we could not come within 100 yards of these protected creatures. When a whale breaches or slaps its tail, it only spends about 2-3 seconds in the air, and that is barely enough time for your brain to send the signal to your finger to click the “shoot” button on the camera, and for the camera to make its own adjustments. I spent the first part of the trip just trying to figure out the best way to capture these moments, when I remembered that my iPhone shoots in HD!

So I spent the rest of the trip with my phone in the air, pointed at the horizon, hoping it would capture something. And amazingly, it did!

Poor Ray wasn’t able to enjoy any of it, I’m afraid. Sea-sickness was his companion for the entirety of the trip, and he spent most of the time in the back with ginger, water, and ready access to the railing.

After we made it back to land, it was to say goodbye to my mom. She had to go back to Oahu for work, even though Ray and I still have several more days left in our adventure here.

Ever since then, in each of our successive trips to Hawaii, I have not seen any turtles in the water. Ray says they have all heard of me and stay far away.

My mom and I decided we were going to go snorkeling while she was in Maui, but we didn’t have any definite plan; not being a Maui resident, she didn’t know exactly where the good snorkeling spots were, the way she does on Oahu. So we figured we would drive around in one general area and see if we could find a good spot.

We all got a late start, and we took a little detour to the Alii Kula Lavender Farm, up the mountain, rather than on the way down. It was a pleasant spot, but it is such a strange thing to be on a tropical island, breathing in clouds of lavender. Nevertheless, there it is, and they have a breathtaking view as well as some lovely gardens (and, randomly, a paragliding course!). My mom and I were hoping they had a restaurant open for lunch, but all they had was a little cafe that served lavender coffee (???) and scones.

After wandering around for a bit, we made our way back down the mountain towards the ocean for a bite to eat and then snorkeling!

BUT…

The service was really slow at the restaurant, and then we had to wend our way past all the rich residences again, blindly looking for a good place to snorkel. We stopped at one place where Ray and I had seen turtles resting on the beach a few nights before (“You snuck up on them,” he said. “If they had known you were going to be there, they would have taken off.”), but there were a lot of people on the beach, and my mom said the rock formation wasn’t ideal for snorkeling.

So we drove on.

The next few beaches were more of a park-and-walk deal, far from the road, and we weren’t entirely sure they would be good places, so we kept going.

Past all the residences, into the lava flow.

Before you get too concerned, this lava flow had cooled off and dried up in the 1800s, when Haleakala last erupted. So there weren’t any rivers of lava that we had to cross. Rather, we drove for two miles down a rickety one-lane road (there are a lot of them in Hawaii!) through a barren moonscape riddled with signs warning not to park or walk on the rocks.

At the end of the road is La Perouse Bay. There is a “beach,” of sorts, made up of mostly rocks. It was the right kind of rock formation for a coral reef, but the waves were banging against the rocks pretty strongly, and I was a little worried about getting tossed around. My other concern was that there was nobody else in the water.

My mom pointed out a small cove that was protected from most of the waves. We began to walk over there, but were stopped by a sign declaring the cove to be protected by the Ahihi Kinau Natural Reserve. We decided it would be best to turn around and find another spot.

Back through the lava flows we went, and around a couple of idiot tourists parked in front of a “no parking” sign (hey, dummies: if you are on a one-lane road, it probably isn’t the best idea to stop and take pictures while there is a line of cars behind you).

There was one parking lot right after the boundary to the natural reserve, and we pulled in. It didn’t look like much, but the sun was beginning to sink in the sky, and we figured it was our best shot.

A man and woman were walking up the path from the beach carrying snorkel gear. “That’s promising,” I told my mom. We asked them if the visibility was any good.

“Oh yes!” cried the woman. “It’s a little choppy now, but still worth it.” She proceeded to give us directions on where to head once in the water. “You should have been here in the morning; the water was really clear, and the whales swam right by here.”

Emboldened, we made our way down the rocky path to the beach, put on our snorkel gear, and got in the water.

The water was warm, but the waves were strong. We didn’t get very far before realizing that it really was too dark to see anything. I did see some fish and a bunch of beautiful coral, but it was pretty far down, and the sun, now at 4:30, was no help to us. I couldn’t take any pictures with my camera in its fancy waterproof case.

We swam back to the shore, and I tried to sit on a rock in the water to remove my flippers. The waves were relentless, and made it almost impossible for me to even move, much less remove my gear. My mom’s snorkel got swept away. My own snorkel would have been lost, too, if I hadn’t been so quick to see it floating by.

So I didn’t see any turtles, which made me sad. But now I know where to go…and I know that next time, I should go there in the morning.

We had a nice breakfast of crêpes in Paia –still a little too “surfer bum” of a town for my taste, but it was nice to walk around for a little bit — and headed back up the mountain to our forest home.

Since we didn’t have a prearranged plan for the day (Ray has forbidden me to make any plans on vacation — a difficult prospect for someone like me!), we sat around the house and thought of things to do while my mom is here, and we finally decided on taking a trip to Haleakala crater.

On our way up to Haleakala, we stopped for lunch at Kula Lodge, on recommendation from a friend of mine. Boy, am I glad we did! The restaurant not only has a lovely view of the valley below and beautiful grounds to wander while waiting for your table, but their food is really good, too (it’s pricey, but worth it). I figured it bore mentioning here because it really is a spectacular place to stop on your way to or from the crater.

Haleakala is an extinct volcano, and all that is left of the once fiery passage to the center of the earth is barren rock in a galactic landscape of dunes and craters. To get to the peak at 10,000 feet above sea level, you have to traverse miles and miles of windy roads. Luckily, we were old hats at this kind of driving, after our last adventure, and this time we were doing it during the day.

Also, the road to Haleakala is much wider and better maintained than the one around the north end of the island. Thank goodness.

Still, it was quite a thrill going up and up and up, through the clouds, often with the thought that the road could very well lead us into the sky itself.

The very peak of the mountain was completely overcast; we couldn’t see 20 feet in front of us, much less the view of the crater. Ray and I were a little disappointed, since we wanted to see the sun set from 10,000 feet. But we were satisfied with the many views we got from different lookout points along the way, and with the thought that we still have plenty more days to visit the peak, and certainly we are bound to have a clear day at least once!

So that morning, I declared my intention to find “fresh goddamned local frickin’ fruit” to Ray, hoping my strong language would let him know that I was serious.

He blinked at me.

We wandered around a different part of the island, stopping for lunch in Haiku, which clearly warranted me writing a haiku about lunch.

Haiku in Haiku

Lunch: mushroom and fries.
Papaya tree outside grows
Looks healthy and sweet.

Can you tell that I had fruit on the brain?

We drove through Paia, the surfer town where we had originally planned on staying, on recommendation from several former residents. By the time we had booked our lodging, though, all the (decent) rentals in Paia had been snatched up (January is prime surfing season). Driving through the town, however, we realized it was too populated for our taste; give us a remote house on the beach or in the middle of the woods, and we are happy.

We made our way back to West Maui and found a fruit stand on the side of the road. One of the guys at the stand was incredibly helpful and kept giving me samples of all the fruits. He picked out the ripest ones for me. I gave him a big tip.

Mangoes, papayas, guavas, star fruit, oranges, and a pineapple (of course!): my goal had been achieved, and I couldn’t wait to sink my teeth into their juicy deliciousness.

We drove around the fancy schmancy part of the island and found where the 1% live. I’m not kidding; the residences and golf courses were so opulent, even the road signs seemed to be looking down their noses at us. We wanted to find a nice view to watch the sunset, but all the houses were blocking the view!

In the end, we did find one cove, and we snapped a few shots and headed home to enjoy all the fruit.

Note: this entry took longer than expected to get up; my mom is visiting from Oahu, so I wasn’t able to post this earlier today.