K.O.

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it. – George Bernard Shaw

“Maren, you’re killin’ me here!”

This was the daily mantra of Justine,* my old boss, more than a decade ago, back when I lived in NYC and worked at New Pharma.

Justine was a short, stocky woman with close-cropped hair, who wore striped button-down shirts and slacks to work every day. She spoke quickly, with a light New York accent that became thicker when she got angry or sarcastic. Her short stature gave her a Napoleon complex, and her position in the company as CFO only fed her tyrannical delusions.

I had started out at New Pharma as a temp, but soon became a permanent employee as the Executive Assistant to the CFO. I was 25, still young with much to learn, but Justine was hardly a good mentor; in fact, she took it upon herself to belittle me as often as she could.

If I didn’t accomplish a task fast enough, I’d hear, “You’re killin’ me!” If I accomplished a task before she was ready, she’d say, “You’re killin’ me!” By her count, I must have committed figurative homicide at least five times a day. And that didn’t count all the times she would set me up to fail just so that she could tell me how much I was killing her.

“What did I do this time, Justine?”

“How many times do I have to tell you? You need a passport and a social security card for this.”

This was an I-9 form she was waving in my face. We had just brought in a new employee, who had furnished a passport for the federally-required identification.

“We don’t need a social security card if they provide a passport.”

Justine’s face began to get red. “Yes, you do.”

“No, you don’t. It says so in the instructions.” I pointed to the last page on the form. “If you have a document that establishes both citizenship and identity, you don’t need anything else.”

“Let me see that.” She snatched the paper out of my hand. Her face was now beet red, and her eyes were glittering dangerously.

My heart started to pound. In other situations, when I saw her getting angry, I would back down. But I knew I was right this time. There was no getting around these federally-approved rules.

Justine smiled. “No, no, no,” she said condescendingly. “You see? It says you have to have something from List A OR List B AND List C.”

“Right,” I countered. “Either one document from List A or two documents, one each from List B and List C.”

“You’re killin’ me!”

I could feel my own face starting to get red. “But your way doesn’t make any sense.”

“It doesn’t have to make sense! Just do it, and stop arguing!”

My brows furrowed in consternation. “But…”

“Maren!” She shouted. “It’s very simple. You always get two documents, either from Lists A and B or from Lists A and C.”

My jaw clenched. It was all I could do to throw the form back in her face and storm out of the office. But I needed that job. It paid well, and I liked everyone there. Well, everyone except her.

I took a deep breath…and folded. “Okay,” I said in my best bimbo voice. “I’ll go back to Nancy and get her social security card.”

I withstood only six more months of abuse before I quit.

*The names and places in this story have been changed to protect the mostly-innocent.


This was my first post for Red Writing Hood, another writing challenge that I discovered through some of the writers on the Indie Ink Writing Challenge. This week we were supposed to write about a fight, the reasons behind it, and the repercussions.

Ulysses

It little profits that an idle king,
By this still hearth, among these barren crags,
Matched with an agèd wife, I mete and dole
Unequal laws unto a savage race,
That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me.
Ulysses, Alfred, Lord Tennyson

“You WHAT??!!!

Ulysses paused mid-stride. That unholy screech sounded like it had been uttered by one of the Eumenides, but something about the tone told him it could only have come from Penelope. Without turning, he said, “I guess you found my note.”

“Yes, I found your note. More like suicide letter.”

Ulysses stayed where he was, facing the ocean and the setting sun. He had hoped to get to the docks before his wife had discovered him missing. Sailing away on a ship into the sunset seemed much more of a romantic exit than…well, this.

He heard her sandals clacking on the stone as she walked down steps of the house towards him with deliberation. “How did you expect me to react?”

“I didn’t really expect anything. I’m not meant for this place.” He kept his eyes fixed on the horizon, but he heard her come closer. He could smell her now, that familiar, cloying smell of garlic and basil and body odor. She must have been no more than three feet away from him when she finally stood still.

“So I read.” He heard a rustle of parchment behind him as she unraveled his poem. “‘How dull it is to pause, to make an end.’ Is that what you think of the life we’ve made here? You only just returned a few years ago!”

“Try seven years.”

“And now I’m an ‘aged wife?’ When not even a decade ago I was surrounded by men who wanted to marry me and take over the estate?”

Photo by Stephen Fegan

Ulysses kept silent, looking steadily upon the dark waters of the Mediterranean Sea. The sun was beginning to set now, and its rays cast an orange glow on the waves.

She took a few defiant steps towards him. “Maybe I should have married one of those men.”

Ulysses let out a long-suffering sigh. “I don’t know, Penelope. Maybe you should have.”

Silence. Seconds ticked by. He knew she was crying. He imagined her there behind him, her tears flowing silently down her face and her hands balled up into fists at her sides. Her long gray hair had probably escaped their braids in her agitation. He fought the urge to turn to her, to comfort her.

Keeping his eyes on the horizon, he explained, “I can’t help the way I feel, Penny. There’s just so much yet to explore.”

“Then take me with you.” It was barely a whisper, uttered between sobs.

He swallowed and looked at his feet. “I can’t.”

How could he tell her? I want to get away from you just as much as I want to leave Ithaca. The mere thought of spending another night with you after having sampled the mystical charms of Circe and Calypso leaves me empty and unsatisfied. I need more, and you simply cannot give it to me. Every muscle strained to turn and spit those words out at her, this woman, who used her twenty-year chastity as a weapon of guilt to hurl at him whenever she could.

A bell rang out from down at the docks. High tide. It was time to go, and they both knew it. He adjusted the pack on his back.

“Don’t. Leave. Me.” The words came through gritted teeth, those old-woman teeth in that wrinkled mouth that he didn’t even want to kiss goodbye.

“I must.”

She threw something at him. It hit his shoulder and tumbled a ways in front of him. A coin. It glittered orange in the rays of the setting sun. He bent down to pick it up.

Imprinted in the metal was a picture of her. His wife. Penelope. Only it was what she looked like 27 years ago, when he had married her, before he had left the first time. Beautiful, with long, curly locks and a mysterious, alluring smile. She never smiles anymore, he thought. Maybe she’ll smile more when I’m not around.

He almost turned around, but stopped himself. It’s better this way. He pocketed the coin, and without any further goodbyes, continued down the road to the dock, to his ship, to freedom.


This week’s Indie Ink writing challenge came from Binaryfootprint, who writes:

Put yourself in Ulysses’ Sandals. Explain to your family why you are bored with life and have to go away on a journey and what you intend to do with your life away from them. http://www.sparknotes.com/poetry/tennyson/section4.rhtml

I have to admit, I was a little stumped on this one! My main sticking point is that I really have never had very much wanderlust at all, so it’s hard to relate to Ulysses on this level. So, with all due respect to Binaryfootprint, I used the prompt more as a jumping off point than actual instructions. I hope I didn’t disappoint.

My prompt went out to runaway sentence, who answered it with typical bad-assness here.

Brisé (Broken)

I loved you from afar for so long.

I first saw you on stage at The Nutcracker, and immediately I wanted to be in your arms. I was so young then, a child — far too young for this kind of love — and you were already older than I realized, but I had no thought to our age difference. You had the ability to sweep me off of my feet and carry me away from all my troubles, and that’s all I cared about.

But you knew I was too young. You were kind to me, but made no demands, and when I left you to pursue other pastimes, you let me go.

I was 16 when I thought I was ready to pursue you. I was barely a woman, limber and energetic, but I knew that was the kind of girl you liked. So I went for it.

That was before I found out how cruel you could be.

First it was my weight. If I was serious about you, I’d have to lose the weight, you said. And then, when I didn’t do what you asked, you hurt me.

The punishment started with little things. A sprained ankle here and there. I wasn’t too bright, you see. I didn’t know exactly what you wanted me to do. But the day you pushed me down in front of my entire jazz class and dislocated my knee, I started to get the message.

After that incident, you and I parted ways for a while. I healed, but not completely. We met again that year after college, when we both worked at Busch Gardens. I was more mature, a little more savvy, but I couldn’t help but fall back in love with you. We danced the tarantella every day. When we were together, I felt exhilarated. Beautiful. Graceful.

But I still wasn’t good enough for you. I saw you with those other girls, those younger girls, those prettier girls. You had plenty of pas de deux to dance with them, and I got jealous.

We had fought that morning, you and I. During our warm-ups, you threatened to hurt me again. I ignored you. I didn’t think you would possibly do it again.

But you did.

It was the last show of the day. I was exhausted and sweating under that hot sun, and we danced one last tarantella. I made a turn, and you pushed my knee out of place. The same knee that you dislocated before. I collapsed, screaming, on the stage. And suddenly, you were nowhere to be found.

A few days later, at a follow-up visit with my doctor, he told me that the muscles around my knee, because of the repeated injury, were intrinsically weak. I went through physical therapy to get back to baseline, but I would have to continue to maintain my leg muscles for the rest of my life if I wanted to not dislocate my knee a third time.

That’s when I knew you had broken me in a way nobody could fix.

That’s when I realized you and I were never really a good fit.

L'etoile
"L'etoile" by Edgar Degas

But you, Dance (Terpsichore, Nataraja, Cernunnos, or whatever you wish to be called), you are a bigger dream than I could ever hope to catch. I still love you…I always will. But I will love you from afar, watching you leap and promenade with my dancer friends, the ones who are strong enough to stay with you.

I know you still love me, too, in your way. I see you in the eyes of my waltz partner. I hear your heartbeat in the rhythm of the songs I sing. But I stay on the safe side of your love now, because I am afraid of what you might do to me if I wander too close to your brilliance.


This week, my Indie Ink challenge came from FlamingNyx, who wrote:

Write an uncensored letter to the one person that broke you in ways no-one would ever be able to fix.

I hope FlamingNyx can forgive me for taking a little bit of artistic license, since Dance is not technically one person. Everything else about the story is true, however.

You can read Leah’s response to my challenge here (it’ll be up by the end of the week).

How Not To Faint On Stage (tips from one chorister to another)

Last weekend, I sang the alto solo in a performance of Mozart’s Requiem in Reading, PA. I had a great time, and the choir (made up of the Reading Choral Society and the MasterSingers of the Berks Classical Children’s Chorus) was terrific.

Photo by Bill Coughlin

We sang in the sanctuary of a high-ceilinged Frank Lloyd Wright-esque church with acoustics very favorable to the voice, but the “stage” (read: altar) did not lend itself favorably to the size of the group (chorus + orchestra + conductor + soloists). As a result, we soloists sat in one of the front pews, facing the choir and orchestra, until we had to sing. Then we would turn around and face the audience. It was a little awkward, but we made it work.

However, this unconventional seating arrangement offered an opportunity that I haven’t had in a long time: I was able to watch the chorus during a performance.

It was fascinating. I loved watching the immense joy and ecstasy on many of the singers’ faces, but I found my eyes kept wandering to one boy in the front row who looked exceedingly sick. He kept wiping his brow and looking around dazedly. He stopped singing at one point, and I thought for sure he was going to faint.

Immediately, I was hit with a wave of memories. While I was in the San Francisco Girls Chorus, I suffered from concert nausea/fainting quite often. The girls shunned me, the conductor mocked me, and nobody ever really tried to help fix my problem. Year after year, we were taught to stand still, smile, and watch the conductor; yet no adult bothered to ask me what was going on in my mind or in my body that I was suffering from this sickness so consistently.

It was up to me to figure out what worked and what didn’t; sadly, I never learned how to stay healthy during my entire tenure at SFGC. It wasn’t until I went to Tufts and took a few biology courses that I started to figure out what was going on with my own body. After that, I just picked up various tips and tricks along the way, and I thought, for the sake of that boy I saw (and everyone else who has had this problem), I’d share them with you.

Supermaren’s Tips & Tricks for a Healthy Choral Experience:

1. If you feel like you are going to faint or throw up, sit down and put your head between your legs. Standing in a large group of people for an extended period of time can get claustrophobic. If you’re already not feeling too well, those close quarters might be exactly the worst possible thing for your state of health. When you sit down, you are able to 1) get the blood running back to your brain, and 2) get the audience’s eyes and attention off of you.

2. Keep hydrated. One of the main reasons people feel faint is that they are mildly dehydrated, and that usually happens because most people just forget to drink water. You probably won’t be able to bring water onto the stage, but you can certainly bring a large bottle of water with you wherever you go. Take a swig right before you go on stage.

3. Keep your blood sugar up. I’m almost positive the main reason I kept getting sick when I was young was because I wasn’t eating properly. Either I ate too much and felt sick or I didn’t eat anything and I felt faint. I know a lot of singers don’t like to eat before they sing, much like an athlete won’t eat right before they perform; however, in my opinion, a little protein bar or a piece of fruit can mean the difference between being present and being spaced out for half the concert. Eat something, for goodness’ sake.

4. Shift your weight and bend your knees. A lot of times in choral situations, you have to stay standing for a long time. It’s very easy to let your knees lock, and when that happens, it cuts off your blood circulation and leads to vasovagal syncope. I’m not making this up, people. I’ve seen it happen.

All in all, don’t try to tough it out; it’s a concert, not a military excursion. If you faint or get sick on stage you’ll be mortified, and if you just stand there turning green, you’re going to upstage the music.

Do you have other tips on how to stay healthy and upright during performance? Please feel free to add them to the comments below.

Eggs Wait for No Man

I was six years old when my mother started teaching me how to cook.

We started by making chocolate chip cookies, and I loved the idea that you could take several different things, mix them up, and they would magically turn into something else. We had taken it slowly, step by step, my mother watching as I carefully measured and poured the flour and sugar, and even letting me stir the batter until my arms got too tired.

The next morning, I was eager for more kitchen wizardry. “Mommy, how do you make eggs?”

Ever obliging, she pulled a chair up to the counter and invited me to stand on it so I could watch and learn while she made breakfast.

Photo by Martha Steele

Crack-crack-crack went the eggs on the side of the bowl. I watched the yolks pour out of the shells and float like little golden islands in a sea of egg white.

My mother pulled out a fork and started furiously beating the eggs in the bowl.

“Can I try?” I asked.

She handed me the fork, but all I could do was impotently stir it around in the bowl. I looked up at her questioningly.

“You have to do it really fast, Mae-Mae, and you shouldn’t really be stirring. Watch me in slow motion.” She lifted the fork a half an inch above the liquid and then plunged it back in. She started off very slowly, and got faster and faster, until all I saw was a vertical fork-colored oval shape rising out of the frothy eggs.

I giggled.

She handed me the fork again, and this time, she moved my hand to show me how to do it. I could make the motion now, but I was not nearly as fast as she was. I was upset that I couldn’t blur the fork, but she said that I didn’t have big mommy muscles, so of course I couldn’t go as fast as she could.

When the yolks and whites had blended into a lovely yellow mix, my mother announced, “Now we add the special stuff.”

She directed me to sprinkle chives into the bowl as she added a dollop of milk to our concoction (“to thicken it up,” she insisted). Mix-mix-mix went the fork, and at last it was time to heat up the pan.

She dropped a tablespoon of butter into the heavy cast-iron skillet, and I watched the creamy square bubble and sizzle as it melted. She picked up the pan by the handle and angled it this way and that so that the butter could slide all over the skillet (“No, no,” she warned, “only strong mommies should pick up the pan.”). It was important, she explained, that we cover the whole bottom because we didn’t want the eggs to stick.

“And now,” she declared, “it is time to cook the eggs.”

I watched, enthralled, as the golden liquid poured out of the bowl and began to coalesce into solid form before my very eyes. My mother began to quickly move the eggs around with a spatula, telling me that this is why they’re called scrambled eggs, because she’s scrambling them around the pan.

And then, to my dismay, I felt the call of nature.

When you’re six, and you get that urge, you don’t have a lot of time before it turns into an accident. “Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom. Can you wait for me?”

“Okay, sweetie.” She continued working on the eggs as I raced to the potty.

When I returned, refreshed, I was very disappointed to find that my mother had finished making the eggs; they were now on my plate at the kitchen table.

I had wanted her to wait for me. I had expected that she’d be able to stop cooking, to pause as if on a tape, and pick up exactly where we had left off. I began to whine.

My mother looked at me. “Eggs wait for no man,” she declared with a flourish. “Now eat them before they get cold.”

Photo by Mu Sun

That simple sentence meant more to me than my mother ever thought it would.

It was the first time I realized that the world didn’t revolve around me, that things would continue to happen whether or not I was in the room or observing them. My world suddenly got much, much larger, and I was ready to accept that reality.

Eggs wait for no man. Once a physical reaction is set into motion, it is difficult to slow or stop it, and almost impossible to undo. There’s no use bemoaning the past; just make sure your eggs don’t burn, and enjoy them before they get cold.

So, while some people might compare life to a box of chocolates or a bowl of cherries, I say life is like a plate of eggs. Scrambled, poached, or sunny-side up, those eggs are the irrefutable result of change.

And I think change can be deliciously good.


This week’s Indie Ink Writing Challenge came from Jen O., who gave me this prompt:

Reflect for a moment on how something from your very early childhood, seemingly menial at the time – a television program, something you overheard an adult say, etc – came to affect you profoundly in your adult life. If you can’t think of anything appropriate, this can be fiction.

Jen O. gave me another prompt a couple weeks back; you can read that response here.

You can read Karla V.‘s response to my challenge here by the end of the week.

Monster

Madness runs in my family.

My mother assures me that its power dilutes with each generation, so the worst I might experience is some anxiety or depression. I hope she’s right.

Because I’ve seen it for myself.

I’ve felt its insidious pull in the darkest corners of my mind. It rides waves of sadness and anger to the edge of my consciousness and whispers to me, You’re not good enough. Stupid girl. Worthless girl.

I heard it the loudest when I was a child, playing the violin. The very act of practicing, and for so many hours at a time, left open gaping wounds of mistakes through which the madness could seep.

Even now, it magnifies my faults and diminishes my triumphs. You’ll never be good enough. Stupid girl. Worthless girl. It can pull me under, drowning me in a whirlpool of my own self-pity.

Spitting me out onto a desolate landscape.

Stairway to Hell
Photo by Josh Van Cann
It’s easy to get lost here. Time moves differently in this place. Some people, desperate to escape, cut or starve their living bodies, so their souls can feel their way back to the world.

Luckily, I know a secret way out.

While I was caught in the wasteland as a child, I learned that the more I denied the madness, the stronger it would become; so I gave it a voice. I said the words out loud and listened with my ears to how silly they sounded: “You’ll never be good enough? Stupid girl? WORTHLESS girl? Ha!”

It was then that I discovered that the madness shrinks back when it sees its own reflection.

It used to be that I had to follow the dark path all the way down to the bottom before finding my strength. But now I leave signposts for myself. When the madness strikes, and I find myself falling inexorably into that labyrinth of despair, I reach out and find a thread.

I tug the thread and it tugs back and it hums with life and love. I follow it back to the world.

And I say to the madness: YOU HAVE DARKNESS, BUT I HAVE LIGHT. YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME.

And the madness recedes.

And waits.


This week’s Indie Ink challenge came from Jason Hughes:

The monster from your childhood that haunts you to this day, and how it still affects how you live…

You can read MyPlaidPants‘ response to my challenge here before the end of the week.

And I promise, I’ll have something happier to write later this week.