Jehovah's Witnesses

So this morning at around 11:30 or so, the doorbell rang. I certainly wasn't presentable to be receiving any guests, but anyone who had the gall to ring my doorbell on a Saturday deserved to see me in my PJ's with stubbly legs and pits and, worst of all, bed hair. I opened the door to find...

JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES! (cue scary music)

Yes, the JW's were making the rounds again. They've been to our house before on several occasions, and I've always been very polite. The first time they came around, it was one woman. I told her that nobody in our house was Christian, and she had this really blank look on her face, like she didn't really know what to say to that. She blurted out a, "Okay, thank you, good day," and backed down the driveway. That made me chuckle.

The second time they came by, there were two of them, a man and a woman, who before they had started pulling out their copy of the Watchtower, started telling me that they were starting up a Bible study class. I told them that we had no use for a Bible class, since nobody here was Christian. I don't think the woman heard me, because she said, "That's okay. We just want to talk to you about some of the things in the Bible." I smiled and said, "Thank you, but I don't believe in the Bible, so I don't think that would help me." She gave me this blank, puzzled look as if I had just given her a lecture on calculus. I smiled again and said, "Thank you very much," and closed the door.

They must not have spread the word around to the other JW's about us, because this morning they were back again. One would have thought my unkempt appearance would have stopped them short, but I suppose if you're on a mission from God, or Jehovah or whomever (hey, why don't they call themselves JHVH's Witnesses? Or Yaweh's Witnesses?) little things like my smelly just-out-of-bed smell wouldn't bother them.

I opened the door, saw the two of them (a man and a woman, but both different people from last time), saw the woman holding a stack of Watchtower pamphlets, and rolled my eyes. "Hi, we're from--" "I'm sorry, but we're not Christians here. Thanks." I had no time to quibble, not when there was some serious hygenic issues going on with me. I had the door halfway closed, when the man said, "Wait, you're not CHRISTIAN?" His eyes were opened really wide, and were kind of bugging out of his head.

Yes, moron. There are some people still left in this country who are not Christian. I know it doesn't seem like it the way our President talks, but we are still out here. "No. Thank you."

Once again, I start to close the door, and he blurts out again, "You mean, you don't believe in Jesus Christ?"

I paused, trying to think of the best way to answer this. Do I believe that there was a guy named Jesus back in the day? Probably. Do I "believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, the only son of God, eternally begotten of the father...for my sake was crucified under Pontius Pilate, suffered and was buried...ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father?" Not particularly. Do I accept him as my personal saviour? Definitely not. But I didn't really want to get into it with this guy. The poor man's eyes were going to pop out for sure.

So I said, "Nope, sure don't. Thanks!" I closed the door quickly this time, but not before I heard him say, "Well, I'll be sure to come back."

Oh, great. That's the last thing I need, a Jehovah's Witness who wants to convert me to Christianity AND bring me into his cult. I need a better way to get rid of them. Should I invite them in and offer to perform a hex on their enemies?