Episode XIX: The Worst of Times

Hello, all you wild and zany people I call my friends!

Yes, it's that time again. Since I've been bombarded by questions and concerns about my health, sanity, and all-around well-being from many of you, I thought now would be a good time to give you all an update on the ups and downs of my life. Many of you have asked why I haven't written for so long. To that, I have a three-part answer: 1) this was originally supposed to be a quarterly newsletter, so you have just gotten spoiled by my recent installments of the Adventures of SuperMaren; b) I don't have steady access to a computer, or eather free time in front of a computer, so I hadn't gotten around to it; and iii) I usually write when good things are happening to me…at the moment, I am coming out of a valley rather than a peak in this roller-coaster life, so I didn't want to write earlier because it would sound more like me moping rather than the optimistic SuperMaren you all know and love.

When last we saw our heroine, she was performing the role of Lady Celestine (a one liner: "It looks like blood!") with great panache in the new musical, A Tale of Two Cities. The audience laughed, they cried, and the reviews were so mixed that they ranged from rave reviews claiming it to be the next hit on Broadway to proclaiming it a terrible story that should never have been set to music. But what did our beloved SuperMaren think of the whole experience? Let's take a closer look…

All in all, I had the time of my life, and if the show moves on, I hope I can be a part of the project. In the meantime, I received my Equity card by performing in the show, which is something that I think makes the entire experience worth it. Not only that, but I got to work with some VERY talented actors, all of whom I hope I can work with again. Unfortunately, the only bad thing about the show was that I ended up losing my "real" job. When I took the gig, I thought it would be okay with HSBC that I was leaving for a few weeks; unfortunately, it ended up NOT being okay…mostly because I had to tell lie after lie to the Big Cheese (and other assorted office workers) as to why I wasn't there. Those of you who know me well know that I am a terrible liar, so it's no surprise that the Big Cheese started asking questions about my stories.

Long story short, I had to leave. This was just as well, I thought, because getting my Equity card was my commitment to my career as an actress and singer, not as a secretary. I decided to sit back on Unemployment for a while, temp and go to as many auditions as I possibly could.

This was a very good idea, in theory, but the New York State Department of Labor didn't really think that I qualified for Unemployment. I'm still arguing with them, but since it's next to impossible to actually talk to a real person, much less someone who makes decisions around there, I've almost completely given up on relying on the state for financial help.

My unexpected lack of funds made me turn to temping on a more frequent basis, but I also had the bad timing of becoming unemployed when the country is in a financial slump (translation: nobody wants to hire temps these days), so times have been very hard. Working distasteful jobs only two or three days a week and auditioning for disinterested casting directors the rest of the week can get very old very quickly, and, even worse, it eats away at one's self-esteem. After all, I am one in a million people who have come to New York to "make it" – whatever that means – and, it seems, I was now experiencing the harsher side of the Big Apple. Up until this point, I had been very lucky with my experiences in this city; I'd been able to find work and shows on a fairly frequent basis. Suddenly I had no work and nobody wanted to give me the time of day. New York was chewing me up and would spit me out soon if I didn't do something.

Not everything was going badly, though. Ray was (and still is) my comfort and joy through these hard times. Not only has he been helping me manage my money (what little of it there is), but he has been buying food for me and giving me advice about my situation, always telling me not to give up on my dreams. We spent almost two weeks in constant company with each other at the end of May when we visited my father, brother, stepmother, and my friends in San Francisco, then flew to Hawaii to visit my mother and Kristin (my mother's partner). Although this kind of 24/7 contact should have made us sick of each other, it brought us even closer together than we had been before, and I am even more sure now that he and I will be together for a very long time.

Getting out of New York City was probably the best thing I could have done with myself at that time. Since coming back from Hawaii, however, I haven't been able to get back into the same rhythm of working and auditioning that I had in April and May. I worked for a couple of weeks without auditioning (boy, did I need the money!), and in the middle of June, I started working a job which seemed almost perfect for my situation: it's a part-time position at a law firm, working 2-3 days/week. The pay ends up being $200-$300/week, and gives me flexibility to audition whenever I want, but it's still only just BARELY enough to survive, what with my credit card debts and student loans, etc.

Regardless of monetary issues, I have decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and start doing something about my situation and my self-esteem. I've started to exercise, which is something I have sorely needed for a while (Dad, if you say "I told you so," I'm going to clobber you). I haven't been really comfortable with my weight for several months, so I'm riding Ray's mom's bike (she doesn't ever use it, so she loaned it to me); I'd like to get my legs back in shape so my knee doesn't dislocate again (like it's been threatening to do recently). Those of you who were there when I dislocated my knee (either time) know that it's not an experience I would like to repeat if I can help it.

I'm also still auditioning, although there are fewer auditions this time of year. Actually, this week I auditioned for the composer of a new musical called "Last Legs," and in the middle of my audition, he asked me to sing the part of the lead, Sophia, on their demo CD. They will be doing a workshop of the show in the fall, but they're recording the CD now before they put together the cast for the workshop (probably for monetary reasons, since I'm not getting paid for this recording…hey, at least I'll be on a recording, and that's really what I need right now). I will be able to audition for the workshop, though, and since I will have done the recording, I'll have a little bit of an advantage. Hmmm…sounds a lot like my "Tale of Two Cities" experience. Déjà-vu?

The funniest thing about this new project is that I'm going to be working with Peter Couchman, who was my peer advisor in the Tufts/NEC Double-Degree Program! I hadn't heard from him since he graduated in 1995, and all of a sudden, we're working together. Of course, I am very excited and I hope that it will lead me to new and better things.

The plan for now is to keep auditioning and working as much as I can for another month or so. If it becomes clear that I'm not going to get hired at a theater any time soon, I'll take on a long-term temp job or maybe even another full-time job so I can get enough money together for new headshots, a demo tape, some vocal coaching, and a couple of acting classes. Do not despair; for even though SuperMaren has taken her cape off for now, she will soon be soaring in the air once again, singing at the top of her lungs.

Meanwhile, I want to know how YOUR adventures have been going along. I haven't been very good at keeping in touch with a whole lot of you – even those of you who live in New York – so write to me and tell me what has been happening in your life! Just because I've been wallowing in my own self-pity doesn't mean that I don't miss you and I don't care about what has been happening to you. :) I hope that this missive finds you healthy and well, and I send all my love and best wishes out to you, no matter where you are.